We know a core deficiency story has been triggered when we have thoughts like “They are/were oblivious to what is going on around them” “Don’t they care?” “I don’t even think they see me” “They don’t even know I’m here”. I’m not worthy is a common belief.
These are stories I’ve worked with a lot. When I was growing up I felt unseen as a person. My accomplishments were celebrated and given attention. My parents actually weren’t aware of what was going on with me. This left me with a sense of not being seen, not cared for, not protected, and not being safe. It left me vulnerable and easily influenced.
When someone really “saw” me, I was drawn in to relationship with them. That sense of finally being seen was so powerful and important that I was unable to have a reasoned perspective as to whether the relationship was healthy or not. I had Mr Harder, an incredible teacher, from grades 3 through 7. One time in Grade 5, I broke a rule and was caught. I was devastated until he assured me “I care about you because of who you are. That doesn’t change because you did something wrong.” This need to be seen was at play in most of my relationships, was generally dysfunctional and has caused much suffering throughout my life.
Core deficiency stories operate best when they are underground. We can be triggered by them in relationship and in daily life. This could be one reason many of us find other drivers frustrating when they seem to have no regard for us. Our life and safety is not even important enough for them to notice we are there and turn on their signal light before safely moving into our lane. Of course that might not be what is really happening with them but it could be how it feels to us at the time.
In the early 90’s I discovered meditation and realized I could “see” myself. This core deficiency of needing to be seen by other people has gradually dissolved. I am now self-sufficient. It’s wonderful to have authentic, deep connections with people and most important with myself. I don’t enjoy being ignored or not seen but it doesn’t devastate me and I don’t get stuck in jealousy or envy. I know who I am and I love myself.